Go gently this Christmas
Go gently, my friend. As you scour the festive shelves of the toy shop in hope that you’ll find that one toy that will simultaneously bring ultimate Christmas Day joy, multiple squeals of excitement, hours of self-directed, independent play, lots of great learning opportunities, new skill development and also a healthy dose of street cred. As you gaze longingly at the rows upon rows of toys it gradually dawns on you that not that much about him has changed in a year… in quite a few years, actually. His attention is still much the same, his engagement levels are pretty much what they were this time last year, his interests haven’t massively developed, the things he plays with (in the loosest sense of the word) are the things he has always played with.
In fact, as you find yourself drawn to the baby toys, you know the light up ones with silly noises and big, easy-to-press buttons, go gently, right there. That’s the point where you usually start to tip. You can feel yourself going into that place again. That place where you feel the ‘what ifs’, the lacking, the missing out, the ‘is this how it’s always going to be?’ feels. At least this year we’ve got fidgets and pop its though, hey? Finally, a range of toys that are mainstream yet ultra-sensory but still you find yourself analysing every fidget: “Could he bite these bits off?… What’s inside this rubbery stuff? Could he chew through it and end up with a mouthful of material he isn’t supposed to ingest?… Ah, another one not for under 3 years old which basically means it’s not Angelman proof.”.
Go gently, when the shop assistant comments on how long you’ve been wandering around the shop staring at the shelves and asks you if you need some help. When you explain to her you are looking for sensory toys and she draws you back to the baby toys and you want to scream, “BUT HE’S EIGHT YEARS OLD! HE’S NOT A BABY, HE’S A BOY. BUT HE’S NOT A TYPICAL BOY. HIS NEEDS ARE SO SPECIFIC AND WEIRD AND HE’LL PROBABLY JUST CAST WHATEVER I BUY HIM ASIDE ON CHRISTMAS DAY ANYWAY AND IT WILL HAVE BEEN A BIG WASTE OF TIME AND MONEY BUT I … I just need to feel like I’m being a fair mum and giving him a pile of presents to open on Christmas Day just like his sisters.”
Go gently, when you breeze through another shop and absent-mindedly fill a basket full of stocking fillers for his sisters and get to the check out to realise you haven’t bought a single thing for him. Watch that guilt, right there. You haven’t done it because you don’t love him or because you prefer them and want to spend all your money on them. You’ve done it because of the effort it takes to think outside of the box in a world where the box is the way the box has always been and it feels like no-one else around you seems to be bothering to make any cracks in the sides of the box. It happened not because you’re a crap parent and you can’t be bothered to do the thinking. Maybe you just wanted to tick some things off the list and for a few moments not be problem solving. You’ve spent his entire life problem solving, finding alternatives, researching ways around things, fundraising, fixing and being outside the box. Sometimes you just needs to be.
Go gently when you see the toys on the shelves that are aimed at your child’s actual age and realise that must be what other friends are buying their eight year olds for Christmas and it feels like the chasm seems to have suddenly grown way beyond the point of return because you’ve had almost two years of burying your head in the sand of a pandemic when you didn’t need to know anything about anyone else.
Go gently and remember what he actually needs this Christmas. He needs love. He needs safety. He needs security. He needs consistency. He needs routine. He needs fun. He needs silliness. He needs food. He needs you. He actually also really needs new pyjamas. He can’t tell you what he wants for Christmas because he doesn’t have the words. He doesn’t get influenced by what the kids in his class have or what’s on the adverts or the toys people are unboxing on You Tube. And quite honestly, that’s something to be truly thankful for. Go gently when it’s time to do your present wrapping and you look at the humble pile of atypical presents and you picture him unwrapping them and ready yourself for some underwhelming reactions. Go gently and remember you have done your absolute best by him and that’s all you can do. And at the end of the day it’s just another day.