how we finally got a holiday right
Holidays. We plan, save, book, look forward to them and for those of us with kids, we come home needing another one to get over the one we’ve just had. Going on holiday is just a thing that people do, right? It seems we are programmed to think we should go on holiday every year and there’s an assumption from everyone around us that we’re going somewhere too. You know the textbook hairdresser question: ‘Are you going anywhere nice on your holidays?’ and if you’re not you always feel the need to explain why.
Kennick Burn
This summer we spent a week in the stunning Galloway Forest and while we were there I took some time to unpick the concept of that feeling of needing to go away on holiday, especially for families who have children with special needs. Why do we do it when our day-to-day lives are already such a struggle? What are we trying to escape when we’re bringing everything with us anyway? What are we trying to find that we don’t already have? Why are we trying to create memories and experiences that are limited to one or two weeks of the year to then return to the status quo? Are we different/better/worse parents on holiday and why? If we already know holidays are not restful or fun then why do we do it at all?
To start with, there is no escaping anything when you take your children with you on holiday: you are doing what you do at home but just in a different setting, that’s all. Add special needs into the equation and you end up doing everything you do at home and more. Just the counting out of medical supplies, the packing of equipment, tablets and chargers, wheelchairs, changes of clothes, journey snacks and nappies is exhausting enough to make you reconsider even starting the engine. Adapting to new surroundings without melting down, clearing holiday accommodation of breakables, rearranging furniture to avoid trips to A&E and finding a safe place to settle your child with special needs while you unpack and accustom yourself with where you’re staying are all non-negotiables to get right within the first ten minutes of arriving at your holiday destination. It doesn’t sound too restful does it?
Rufus watching a screen with his bag of sensory delights within the first few minutes of arrival
So would it surprise you to learn that, due to bad past experiences, some special needs families choose not to go on holiday at all? For some families it’s just not affordable because of the type of accommodation they need to make a holiday feel even remotely restful. So instead they have day trips and nights or weekends away throughout the year. Does that make you feel sad and sorry for them? Do you think they should try harder to make it work because going on holiday every year is 'just what us Brits do?’. A ‘holiday’ is just not for everyone and for some families the right decision is to stay home, stick to the routine and not rock the boat. I can fully understand why some people make the decision not to bother and, believe me, our holiday in Cornwall (click HERE to read all about it) a few years ago nearly put us off for life but for some reason, year in, year out, we kept trying to make a family holiday work and this year I think we just about nailed it.
Lochenbreck Loch
Here are some things to consider:
First off, Get To Know The Formula
Thankfully, we now know our family holiday formula and this is it:
A holiday cottage in the UK somewhere near the coast, hills, woods or all three.
As yet we’ve not taken the kids on a holiday abroad because I can’t bring myself to think about the hassle of lugging a wheelchair, carseat, specialist bed and the rest to another country on an aeroplane or boat. We live on a beautiful island and we’ve still got so much more to explore on our own shores so we feel okay about that. I see you brave and adventurous campers, glampers and van lifers and I look at your Instagram photos in awe but that’s not us. We like our space and our home comforts and we now know a cottage works for us.
Good wi-fi.
We are not 'that family’ who go off-grid and screen-free for a week and pride ourselves on how wholesome we are. We will never be those people and we are okay with that too. Rufus needs his iPad to chill out in the in-between times - he isn’t able to go off and safely occupy himself for ten minutes… or even one minute - and we need the other kids to have their screens from time to time so us adults can chill out too.
Enough bedrooms for Rufus to have his own and an understanding host.
Sleep is an absolute priority for our family on holiday and it’s safe to say us parents are definitely not the nicest versions of ourselves when we don’t get enough sleep. Sharing a room with Rufus is not an option for any of us because of his sleep disorder and noisy wakefulness at night. Because he cannot walk or climb stairs independently, we are limited to finding accommodation with at least one downstairs bedroom. His travel bed takes up the equivalent space of a single bed so finding hosts who will happily move/remove furniture so he can sleep and we can sleep is a non-negotiable.
Slightly off the beaten track, away from crowds and popular tourist spots.
Us parents are not fans of sharing our holiday space with lots of other people. It’s just not for us - we feel watched, crowded, judged (sometimes) and it distracts us from being with each other so we now know to look for somewhere that isn’t necessarily a popular destination but is still within reach of places we can take the kids to for ice-cream and a chippy tea on the beach when the moment calls or for me to disappear into a bookshop for an uninterrupted half hour.
Chippy tea at Wigtown
The Expectations (or lack of)
We have very low expectations of holidays being relaxing now. I do not picture myself reading a novel from cover to cover on a beach anymore. I no longer imagine myself taking early morning strolls in the woods with a flask of coffee and writing in a journal before everyone else has woken up in the morning. I don’t envisage spontaneous naps and a happy family who don’t argue, moan and whine for a week. We certainly don’t set itineraries because, well, personally I can’t imagine anything worse but also, is there anything more likely to disappoint than a failed, unfulfilled itinerary? What we do, however, is start a conversation a few weeks before going away about what everyone wants to do while we’re there. The requests from the kids are usually as simple as going out for ice-cream, playing on the beach or having a picnic in the woods. Or someone might suggest doing a tour of a whisky distillery…hmm I wonder who. We know that Rufus loves being on the move and exploring new places, having plenty of opportunity to get out of the wheelchair, practise his walking and investigating different surroundings so we make sure there’s lots of that too. I’ve always found it easier to keep my own expectations low and my wishes simple. As long as I can read a few pages of my book in peace from time to time, have a few moments to myself in nature, eat delicious food and explore new places, I’m happy. We are lucky our kids are simple, easily pleased people and haven’t been raised on holidays clubs, sports clubs and expensive action-packed days out. They enjoy the simple pleasures which thankfully keeps things affordable. Talking of money...
Carrick Beach
The Money
We are a low-income family and therefore we qualify for funding for holidays from the awesome www.familyfund.org.uk. Every year we request funding and get a set amount to put towards a holiday which really helps as the size and spec of accommodation we need (3 bed, always with a downstairs bedroom and wet room) means it costs more than the average family would pay. It doesn’t go far so we realised a few years ago we need to save a bit every month towards the cost. We also make sure we keep things cheap while we’re there making packed lunches everyday to take out on our adventures, doing a big food shop at the nearest Aldi and maybe having one meal out. I also regularly scour the internet for other charities that help families like ours go on holiday and sometimes we get lucky, sometimes we get turned down or live in the wrong postcode or - like this post-pandemic year - the charities themselves are struggling and can’t offer funding to anyone. This year we were blown away by some incredibly kind family friends who paid for our Scotland holiday. Do I wish we didn’t have to ask for money, share our financial situation with boards of trustees and rely on other people’s kindness and generosity? I guess it would be nice to be able to pay for holidays knowing we’ve earned every penny we spent but I don’t feel shame. This is how things are for our family right now and I’m okay with that.
Kennick Burn
Who is the holiday for?
“Your family culture is beautifully unique, your experiences are curated by you, organically grown and you have evolved together as a unit. The places and experiences that bring you joy and make you feel at one with yourself and each other are yours to pursue. Ignore what everyone else is doing. You do you.”
When you ask yourself who you are going on holiday for, is it you or the kids? Or all of you? Probably all of you. Ask yourself: What makes you tick? What makes you feel alive? Where do you need to be and what do you need to be doing to feel fulfilled, at peace, your best self? Don’t ask yourself ‘What are other families at our stage in life, with kids our age, in our financial position doing with their holiday?’ No!!! You are you. Your family culture is beautifully unique, your experiences are curated by you, organically grown and you have evolved together as a unit. The places and experiences that bring you joy and make you feel at one with yourself and each other are yours to pursue. Ignore what everyone else is doing. You do you. Dan and I know what we need and thankfully we’re really similar in that respect. We need nature, forests, coasts, sunsets, mountains, road trips, new places, unbeaten tracks, great food. If you are going on holiday mainly for your kids so you can give them new, fun experiences then brilliant, go for it, but if it’ll mean you’re broke and exhausted by the end of it then was it worth it? If you’re going on holiday mainly for you to get a breather and a break from the norm then make sure sure you put it out there during you pre-holiday-chat and stick to your guns so that you get that window to yourself or you will only come home resentful and regretful.
So why do we feel the need to go away? For our family, we need the adventure. We know road trips, walks and the great outdoors make us happier, kinder people to ourselves and each other. We love exploring new places and we genuinely like being around each other! Ultimately we need something to look forward to and yes we are already thinking about booking next year’s holiday. But if your ‘formula’ is to stay at home and avoid upsetting the apple cart because your child with special needs requires routine and familiarity then do just that. If you’re not brave enough to try a holiday this year, there’s always next year. If going with another family, employing a carer to join you or arranging respite for your child so that you can enjoy a holiday without stress or anxiety makes the idea of a holiday possible then make it happen. Just remember, it’s your family, your money, your choice. And at the end of the day, if it all goes wrong, it was only one week (or two) out of 52 and it’ll probably make a funny story in years to come.
Dhoon beach, Kirkcudbright